There. I said it. I'm officially Christmas-ed out. Again. Despite all I've been doing, the lists, the planners, the day off from work, I'm still completely and totally frazzled and overwhelmed. And I'm so, so very sad about it. I didn't want this to happen. I was determined to love this season, and embrace the good in it, not getting bogged down in all the details. But, I just can't help it. There's SO MUCH to do, and I just can't seem to get away from it. And I feel like I'm doing it all alone. I've forgotten some things that I should have remembered, I still haven't wrapped my presents, and I'll be gone all stinking weekend, so when am I going to do it? I spent Tuesday baking my behind off, and produced the ugliest peanut butter balls and chocolate covered marshmallows anyone has ever seen. I feel so sad right now. I so miss the joy of Christmas. I miss being a child and that familiar, happy feeling that made the season so meaningful. Now, that feeling gone. And I realize that I was only happy because I didn't realize how much my mom put into making me feel happy and familiar, and how she was probably feeling the same way I'm feeling right now.
I've been listening to the carol "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" a lot lately. It takes me back to a better time and place. I'm clinging to that memory, wishing that I could go back there myself. I wish I could appreciate the tree in the grand hotel and the five and ten glistening with candy canes. I wish everything didn't always have to be so freaking hard. And I have to stop writing now before I start to cry and short out my keyboard.